Beaten

The worst has happened, it will nv be possible again, even if u have only 18mths to live i really cant be with u. U may think I'm being heartless but I just cant do it, its not my choice... i can only pray tt u will get well but i cant do anything for u anymore. I'm beaten down...

Who do you think you are?

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learnt to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
..................................................

Slowly I'm letting go of everything that had belonged to us. I had seen the ugly side of you and I know what you really are. It's too late to mend anything cos the hole has covered the whole heart. But I'm just sad, cos it would have been a beautiful love if you had put in more efforts. You just failed badly, whatever we had built up had been slowly destroyed by your insincerity n your lies. I don't believe and don't dare to believe in you anymore. I'm sorry. I'm not going to wait for any changes anymore cos expectation only leads to more disappointment n demeaning myself. I need to set myself right this time.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Just finished watching 'Dahmer' and abit of 'Monster' today and spend the whole day watching documentaries on serial killers. They are frightening cos they are cold blooded and feels no remorse or guilt at killing people. To them, humans are just normal things like cars or rabbits or anything in this world. So killing them is just like a game or a hobby.

But often than not, they are from broken families and that is usually what mold them into what they becomes. When the people who bring you into this world leave or abandon you, it's hard to have much morals and humanity left cos they left you to fend for yourself. Me, being from a broken family is far more fortunate than them because my mum take cares of me and loves me with all she can offer.

But I can relate to them because people from broken families are usually ashamed of their situation. Although it's not our fault, we still feel people will either look down on us or pity us. So we become v reserved and guarded from normal people. We don't trust people that much but when we do, we will stand by that person even if he/she is a liar/ murderer/ married/ monster etc... And because we are already 'defective' in our life, we tends to want to prove our worth and tell people 'Hey, I'm no different from you, if anything, I'm better than any of you!'

Even when we did anything wrong, people will say things like 'we can't blame them cos they come from broken families'. That's how I can get away with so many mischiefs when I was young ;) Violence and anger in the family also add on to us keeping away from our parents. When they fight, we feel anguish cos we feel like we are invisible in their eyes. So when they try to talk to us about why we are behaving weirdly, it's hard to confide because they are actually the problem.

People from broken families crave to be love by other people since they can't find it at home. And yet they don't believe that love will last but still dreams of having their own family to create the 'happy family' tat they lack in their lives. For me, as long as I think or feel my partner might be cheating on me or losing interest in me, I will be the one to leave first. Of cos, most of the times, I'm being overly sensitive but honestly, I will not subject myself to any hurt from people I love. Ya, that's why I fucked up alot of my relationships cos I'm highly insecure.

People like us are the most possessive species on earth cos they can't handle their partners leaving them too. Some can't handle long r/s cos they never see one in their lives as a good example and I guess, Jeff Dahmer prefer to have unconscious partners where he can satisfy himself without having to maintain a r/s with anyone. Him eating his prey gives him the satisfaction that he will own them forever in him. But in the end, he tells people not to blame his parents and he will hold all responsibilities for his actions which I admire. But not for his murderous ways of cos.

Aileen Wuornos on the other hand really makes my heart sad. Because she was rebellious, she was kicked out of house and left to fend for herself on the street w/o a home. I believe she used to be a sweet little girl until her broken family makes her short tempered, unguided and lost. And she turned to prostitution cos she don't have proper education. And the money she made becomes her tool to make friends accept her, which is sad. The only person who believed in her and loved her was a lesbian and in order to make her stay and pay for their expenses, Aileen had finally resorted to killing men and stealing from them. I think handling so many men since such young age and being on the streets for so long had turned her heart cold on men. In the end, the lesbian testify against her in order to keep herself from trouble and Aileen took all the charges to protect the lesbian.

These people are actually very street smart and talented, esp at talking and making people like them and believe them. I know such people in my life, believe me, they can make you say sorry even when they are in the wrong.

But anyway, murderers are murderers, victims are people with feelings and families too, so we can't forgive them just because they have a sad history. Just want to tell everyone that whatever happens in your marriage might not affect you when you are ending it, but it affects people around you more than you think. Esp your own kids.

Out of sorts

Can't really describe the feelings I had lately, I just feel myself hiding deeper n deeper into my own shell. I just find so much solace in my own room n away from the world. Some problems are really hard to express and i just find myself staring into space very often. Have I slowly lose my sanity? I just feel v lonely sometimes, I duno who to turn to sometimes. Why is getting things I want so hard sometimes? I just feel v helpless recently...

Hi me again

There I go again, finding myself back after going one big circle. I've lost myself to someone else's life and it seems so dark and grey. Everything was so focus on making his life better that I lost touch with what I had in me. Today, I sat and go about my old favourite pasttimes and God, I do miss all my old loves and dreams. They might not be big but I just want to go back to loving myself, loving music and loving art. It doesn't matter that I'm back all alone, I guess I love being with myself, to be honest, I do love being by myself. Though I stand alone again, my guitar stands with me. Imma gonna get it fix tomo and let it talk to me again. I realised that everyone have their own set of dreams. There's different dreams in different people and you don't have to follow what people dictate to you. If two people does not have the same direction in life, either you compromise or you go your own ways. It's happier this way, because when you do what you love, that smile on your face is genuine. You can't fake it. Some people find happiness in HDB flats and babies, some people find happiness in career, I find happiness in doing what I love. I don't care about what people say anymore, it's my life, if they don't like it, then get out of my life. I want a simple life and I don't need you to tell me how I should live it. My past are my lessons, not something that people can bitch and discuss about. They belong to me, whether it's good or disastrous. No one can judge me but myself. In my lessons, I learnt and that's most important. It's with great dispair that someone who had understood me so well can't actually spend his life with me. I'm a weird person I know, not just anyone will truly understand me and I tot I found a soulmate in him. But such is life that our paths are forked apart right from the start. Though it ended badly, but I really do treasure his footprints in my life. Being together is taking its toll on both of us and we both knew it. I had to let go in order for us to move forward. In my heart, I really do wish him all the best and may God really bless him and let him live on with happiness. I just hope the path that he chose is really what he wanted. Please remember, we only live once, whatever we do, we can never go back and change it. Treasure your life and may you bear the fruits that you had wanted and hope there'll be miracles in our lives.

People in my life

Every so often, I will think of someone who has been in my life b4. Today, I tot of a very good fren whom I used to hang out with so much. Due to alot of misunderstandings, our friendship has ended but when I'm feeling down sometimes, I will think of her and how we used to be there for each other last time. I've nv really been so close to anyone like I am to her so it's really kinda sad that the friendship has to end this way. I think she's the only friend who had seen me cry and I let her into my inner self without hesitation. We used to be like a pair of twins, going everywhere tog. I hope she will understand n learn why things happen this way and I'm sure she has grown up now that she's a mum. Though things can never be the same again, I do wish her happiness in her new found life and maybe one day when we meet on the streets, we can still say hi to each other cos friendship really dun come easy. To me, I always find it hard to rem the bad things and its normally the good memories that stay with me. Thanks for being there for me through my darkest days, ur existence has indeed cheer me up during those times. :)

Picking up

Saw this at the clinic this morning:

"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up again" - Vince Lombardi

Kinda get to me, firstly cos of all the falls I had in life, I still managed to get up. Maybe still limping along, but at least I tried.

Secondly cos I really did fell down 2 days ago. I was thinking abt things while I was climbing down the overhead bridge. I was lucky that it was the last two steps. I forgotten whether it's becos I couldn;t see the steps cos I was holding a big bag or it's becos my legs just gave way. I was too deep in thought and the next time I knew I was kneeing on the rough ground. It's bloody painful and I'm careful when I'm climbing the stairs now... I think it's gonna be ugly after it heal, gonna have a scar on my already pokka dot legs :(

Life's a big question mark now. I just tendered my resignation, can't stand my boss anymore. She's too demanding and high expectataion. Always trying to compare me with the 'last time' ppl. So I gave her the letter and tell her I dun think Im good enough, she should look for more experience staff. But I havent found a job yet, I lied that I had found one. Lied so convincingly to everyone that I almost believe I really had a new job waiting LOL

Nvm, life will always brings more surprises, shall just go along the path and see what life has in store for me. Future is too big a word for me now.